Renji Writes Retarded
by Whimsycal
Summary: Warning: Extreme Doses of Randomness and Crack. My name is Renji. And starting tomorrow, I'll be living with Kuchiki Taichou as a gay couple. Even though I'm straight. Ugh.
1. Of Fargy Soulmates and Creepy Books

A/N: Heyhey. Soli here. With another super random, cracky story for you guys. I had no one edit this, so it might contain some grammar mistakes.

I have nothing against gay guys. I'm just having fun, and writing stories is the only way I can get my friend to watch dramas and animes I recommend. Sad right? But oh well. Writing is fun.

This fanfic is written in the cracky perspective of Renji, from Bleach. Which I don't own. That was a disclaimer, by the way. Hoho.

* * *

Chapter One: Beginning Of A Fargy Story

It was a nice bright day.

Before something happened that immediately made that day comparable to all bad days I've ever had combined.

This day my sex was challenged. I can never forgive that old man.

Just because he's #1 Shinigami in Soul Society does NOT mean he can just order me around to his own little perverted amusement.

My name is Renji Abarai. And today I was assigned to go on a "top secret mission" with my captain, Byakuya Kuchiki.

The mission? To pretend to be a gay couple living in that little town where my ultimate rival, Ichigo Kurosaki, lives. That is so not cool. I'm supposed to be suave, cool, and most importantly? Straight.

That's right. I, Renji Abarai, am straight. Straight as a stick, for sure. For I would have to be straight to love Rukia! And I definitely am 100 in love with Rukia.

Forever, really. Since I've met her. We're soulmates, basically.

Anyways, now I have to live with Kuchiki taichou for three months in a small apartment. And guess when we're moving?

Tomorrow. We're moving tomorrow. Brilliant, right? I swear, Yamamoto taichou has something up his sleeve, because after he explained the mission, I saw his mouth twitching at the corner.

Here, I'll tell the whole mission in detail, just as he told Byakuya taichou and me.

"Kuchiki! Abarai! You've been assigned a very important, top secret mission! Tomorrow, you'll move into an apartment in Karakura town. You've both been there before, that's why I'm choosing you two. Kuchiki, you're playing housewife! And Abarai, you'll have to find a job in the town. Keep an eye out for hollows and stuff."

And the best part of this explanation by Yamamoto was Byakuya taichou's reaction.

His face turned all red, and he opened and closed his mouth like a fish, until I shrugged and dragged him out the room.

Oh well. It can't be that bad. It's not like we're REALLY going to be a gay couple. My unwavering love for Rukia will pull through in the end!

Wow, that sounded unbelievably cheesy. Haha, I've been reading too many fluffy novels that Rukia lent me. Seriously, you will not believe how sappy that girl is. Well, if I want to marry her one day, I'll have swallow my disgust and read them.

But some of those romance scenes make me want to throw up. Example of such a passage? "Ohhhh….mmmmm…Rose! I love you! Ohhhh!" "Peter! Ohhh, yeeeees. YEEEESSS."

What. The. Heck. Rukia reads that kind of stuff? To tell you the truth, I had no idea. Oh well. I'll have to adapt.

Speak of the devil. Rukia came into my room, and told me that she was assigned to go on the mission too. But she'll be staying with Ichigo. Darn that human.

She said that Yamamoto told her to help her brother and me out. And also, "keep an eye on us." That girl has a glint in her eye. It's an evil glint. Uh oh.

Should I be scared?

Wait, this is Rukia. She's the sweetest little thing that God has ever made. Why would she have an evil glint? My eyes must be mistaken. Yeah, of course that's it.

I opened my trunk, and started stuffing my clothes into it. Hmmm… how many pairs of underwear do I need? Do I have to bring my pillow? Okay, I'll bring it just in case. Bedsheets, toothpaste, alarm clock, staples, cup, beanbag, desk-light? Hm, I guess I'll bring all that too.

What about that big stash of romance novels Rukia lent me? Errr.

I looked over at Rukia. She was sitting on my bed and staring at me. Evilly?

I might have to rethink this "soulmate" business. She's starting to freak me out. I nervously stuffed some of her books in my trunk as well.

"Well, what are you looking at me for?", I asked her.

She wouldn't answer. Just giggled, and skipped out of my room. Okay. She definitely has something up her sleeve. Definitely.

I'd be stupid if I didn't know that.

* * *

A/N: I don't think neither Renji nor Byaku is gay. & they aren't even my favorite characters. Hitsuuu ftw.

And I realize the characters are all out of whack. Sorry! –runsaway-


	2. Of Useless Helpers and Good Food

(A/N: Yippee. Chapter two.  
All weirdness and ooC-ness is intentional.

Really. )

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Chapter Two: Make Way! Two Fargs Moving In.

Today's the big day.

Today I'm going to move in with Taichou in an apartment in Karakura town. I wonder what'll happen.

I peeked at the clock. Damn. Two minutes until the gate's going to open. And I'm still at home. I still might make it on time. That old man is going to get mad if I'm not there on time.

Taichou might get mad too. Better hurry.

I grabbed my trunk. And almost broke my arm off. WHAT. Why is it so heavy? What did I put in it? I looked around my nearly bare room.

Oh. I stuffed everything in there. You know, just in case the apartment didn't have anything? Better safe than sorry, I always say.

Anyways, I struggled with my luggage for one minute, and nearly freaked out until I realized I was a shinigami and had hidden powers. Doiii. I did some super cool hand movement thing, and immediately I was able to carry my bag.

Then I bolted out the door.

When I arrived at the gate, there was this pretty girl facing the gate, clinging on to her luggage. I approached the girl, and nearly had a heart attack when I realized it wasn't a pretty girl, but Kuchiki taichou.

I must be seeing things.

Well, he seriously does look like a girl from behind, without those hair noodle thingummies in his hair, plus also he has a small stature.

And his hair was blowing in the wind and stuff. It was like a scene from one of those romance books of Rukia's.

It must be my hormones. Augh, I'm a guy okay? With normal guy-ish feelings.

Wow, this has gotten awkward. Well. You guys all know I'm straight. Straight as a stick.

So Taichou looked up at me, and said in his quiet voice, "Let's go."

And I replied, "Right."

Then we stepped through the gate at the same time.

When we got to the other side, Kurosaki and Rukia was already waiting for us. Damn that Kurosaki. Always trying to act cool. He had his hands in his pocket, and was sharing earphones with Rukia.

He looked up and saw us, and waved. "Hey."

See? I told you. He's always trying to act cool. So I raised my hand and said back, "Hey."

That's what guys do. We have to act cool. The less words the cooler. And Taichou didn't say anything. Just nodded.

Ichigo and I shared a look. Taichou just beat us both in cool-ness.

Rukia piped up, "Let's go the apartment you two will be sharing. Hey, Renji, why don't you help my brother carry some of his stuff?"

Are you freaking kidding me? His bag looked so tiny compared to mine. My luggage was like that bag Santa carries on Christmas, before he's given anything out yet. And Kuchiki taichou's bag was like… sleeping bag size. I bet that's only a sleeping bag.

Rukia wants me to carry HIS bag? Shouldn't it be the other way around?

Oh well, since I've forgiven her for yesterday, and now she's my soulmate again, I'll have to listen to her.

"Hey Taichou, gimme your bag." I grabbed for Kuchiki's bag, but he stepped back, clinging to his bag for dear life.

I wonder what's the matter with him.

Whoa, he looks kind of… red. Maybe he has a fever. Uh oh. Better stay away from him.

"I d-don't need your h-help..", Taichou said quietly.

I held in my breath. Can't breath in his germs. He seriously looks sick.

Whatever, his loss. Rukia glared at me. I avoided her stare. Anything to avoid getting sick. I hate getting sick.

Ichigo saved the day by tapping his foot impatiently. "Let's go already!"

Rukia looked at him with shiny eyes, and burst out happily.

"Hai!"

He's stealing my girl! Well, not mine yet. But eventually she will be.

We finally arrived at the apartment. Ichigo looked at his watch, and told us that he had something busy today and that he had to leave.

Rukia looked stricken and after said that she had something to do as well.

They left.

Some help they've been.

Taichou and I were left standing like two dorks in front of our new apartment. I approached the office, and the girl inside gave me two keys.

"You will be living in room 55." She looked behind me, and blushed. Oh right, Byakuya was standing there. I forgot, he is somewhat of a heartthrob.

"Okay, thanks." I pulled Byakuya with me, and looked for number 55.

Ah, there it is! I opened the door, and examined the inside of the apartment.

What was inside made me want to storm back to Soul Society and knock the stuffings out of the old man.

One tiny living room, one tiny kitchen, one tiny bathroom, and… ONE tiny bedroom.

Plus there was a layer of dust on everything.

And since I'm vice captain, I bet I'll have to end up sleeping on the floor. Good thing I brought my pillow, my sleeping bag, my blankets, another set of blankets, and all that other stuff.

I sighed, and looked at Taichou. "Well, I guess we'll have to get used to living here. It's pretty bad, huh?"

He peered around the room tentatively. "…Yeah."

At least there was a sofa in the living room. I can sleep on that. I threw myself on it, and snuggled in to it.

Then I fell asleep.

I awoke when I smelled something delicious. When I opened my eyes, I was shocked.

Byakuya taichou had already cleaned the floors, wiped everything that's wipe-able, and had his stuff all unpacked in the bedroom. There was also a blanket covering me that I didn't know was there before.

He really is suitable for a housewife.

I stood up, and walked into the kitchen. Taichou had a flowery apron on, and was cooking something.

The smell suddenly reminded me that I was extremely hungry, so I casually asked, "What's for dinner?"

His face turned red. Crap. I forgot. He's sick! If I eat his cooking, I might get sick too!

But I'm so hungry. I was just about ready to cry.

He replied, "Tempura, teriyaki, takoyaki, and yakisoba, udon, and sushi."

That does it. I am definitely going to overlook the fact that he's sick.

This living together as a gay couple thing isn't too bad. I can get use to this.

* * *

A/N: Another weird ass chapter. Hoho. 


	3. Of More Food and More Food

(A/N: Oh wow! I got 3 reviews! That makes me happyhappy. C:

So you guys should comment moar, just cuz.

Wink.

I'm not sure where this fanfic is going. It's fun to write and it's random. That's all.)

* * *

Chapter Three: The Fargy Breakfast Dilemma.

Ouch.

Sleeping on the couch really wasn't all that comfortable. Grrr. I wonder how the BED was. I rubbed my sore neck and peeked into the bedroom.

Guess what I see? Kuchiki taichou curled up in fetal position. Hugging a stuffed chicken toy. Surprising. I didn't know Taichou slept like that, or that he likes to snuggle soft things when he's asleep.

But then, I didn't know that his cooking was that good either. Last night's dinner was great. I ate everything. But Taichou only picked at his food.

He might be dainty with food, but he isn't dainty on bed. He had his legs dangling off the bed, and his pillow seemed to be… squished under his butt.

I wonder how that got to be there.

And more importantly, where's my breakfast? I want more of Taichou's genius cooking. Already I had a list of what I wanted to eat running through my head.

Pancakes, waffles, bacon and egg happy faces, ramen. Orange juice, milk, tea, coffee. I like food. If I didn't have food, I'd die.

Well, people do tend to die without food. But I'd die faster!

I want food. So I did what any sane person would do when a splendid cook is sleeping and NOT making breakfast.

I pounced. And jumped on the bed.

AHA. The bed is super bouncy. Lucky Taichou, he got to sleep on it last night! Bouncing up and down on the bed was fun, so I kept at it until Taichou opened his eyes slowly. He looked at me incredulously.

"MORNING!" I yelled in his ear, still jumping up and down. Taichou was slowly sliding across the bed because of my bouncing. He looked like he was going to kill me.

Uhhh, perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to jump on a sleeping captain who seems to not be a morning person.

Well, I'm still hungry. It can't be helped.

"Taichouuuu, I'm hungry. Make me fooood." I put on my best puppy dog face. Hopefully it'll work on him.

Apparently, it brought back his fever. He turned extremely red, and looked around for something to cover his face with. Taichou pulled up the blanket and hid his face behind it.

Darn. If he's sick he won't be able to make me food. Better make sure he does have a fever. I raised my hand and covered his forehead, and put my other hand on my own forehead.

Whoa. That's pretty hot.

There go my hopes of getting a good breakfast. I guess I'll have to make my own. And his too. Oh well, it's a good chance to improve my culinary skills.

"Wait here, Taichou! I'll make you food!"

A pile of burnt pancakes, burnt waffles, and burnt cereal later, I realized that my so-called culinary skills are nonexistent. I poked miserably at the "food".

Well, food is food. Remember all those poor hobos who don't get any food. They'd take anything, even this crap.

So I scraped the mess together, got out a fork and a spoon, put it on a plate. And left it out on the porch.

Yeah, those hobos can come and find the food themselves. Who, me, eat that food?

No way. Not when I have potentially the greatest cook living with me. I ran back to Taichou's room, and pulled him out from the bed.

"TAICHOU. Make me foooood!" I was getting desperate.

He groaned, stood up shakily, and stumbled towards the kitchen. Yay! Food! I followed him eagerly. I wonder what he'll make? Mmm.. just thinking about the possibilities makes my senses tingle with joy.

When he reached the kitchen, his eyes snapped open.

What..?

Oh yeah, I left a pretty big mess lying around. Ooops. Kuchiki Taichou rushed to the window, and opened it. Oh yeah, it smells like burnt rubber in here too.

It was an accident! I didn't know that rubber spatulas couldn't be left on the fire! Now there was a little gross looking pile of burnt rubber sticking to the pan.

OH NO! How is Taichou going to cook? The pan has been sent to like, oblivion, because of me! Well, now I know not to do that again.

More importantly, how is he going to cook me food?

A banana. After digging around his little "sleeping bag" bag, he uncovered a banana. I must've looked startled, because he looked at me and said, "B-bananas are good for your body. It has m-many good n-nutrients."

"Good nutrients" my ass. I happen to have a great bod, thank you very much. That is the most insulting thing I have ever heard. Seriously. If that's the case, then why is Taichou still smaller than me even though he apparently carries bananas around everywhere?

Oh well. Can't complain. My tummy is growling. So I ate the banana.

Lunch had better be better than this, or I'll take back my statement about how this gay couple thing really isn't that bad.

Because if I have to eat another banana for lunch, I won't be a happy Renji.

Taichou went back to sleep.

Errr.. I guess I'll go explore the town and see if I can buy a new cooking pan. You know, for lunch. Maybe drop by Kurosaki's house and raid his fridge.

Ohhh, I hope he has waffles. And pancakes.

"Taichouuu, I'm going to Ichigo's house! I'll be back uhhhmm, before lunch. And get better!"

Then I ran out the door.

* * *

(A/N: That was fun to write. Was it fun to read? I have to write six more microsoft word pages by tomorrow evening if I want my friend to watch this one awesome drama. Think I can do it?) 


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